if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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