The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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