he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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