o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
