I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
