using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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