my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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