i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
People in love make me want to vomit
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
