and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
