Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
