i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
