I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
