if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
