the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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