I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
