fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
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i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
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We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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