Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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