I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
