Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
