I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
