Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
vagina is talking i cant
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
