Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
