My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My bed smells like the plague
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
