It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
