does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
