i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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