Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
