I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just blew my weed a kiss
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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