i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
