my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
