Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
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dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
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Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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