HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
