I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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