Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
