my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
