just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
