Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
