You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
