Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
organizing the empties. That sober.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
And then he peed in my hair
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