Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize