So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
