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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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