Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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