so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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