Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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