Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
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He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
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Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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