So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
