If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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