I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
