So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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