i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
