I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
