so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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