you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
i think im in europe. pls send help
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