Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
