Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
