Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
