I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
This is classic penis vs brain.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
