Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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